koko wa grasper
by tohma is grumpy
Summary: an account of where seguchi tohma and nittle grasper possibly came from. after a seemingly short childhood, a young, shy, blond boy would find his destiny in a battered high school piano, and two very unusual new acquaintances...
1. if it benefits myself

**here is grasper**   
**introduction**   
--   
rating: PG-13   
pairings: none yet   
warnings: another grasper formation fic, hopefully with some new twists. OOC...? maybe? you decide. nobody knows what they were like in high school, though. nothing graphic or disturbing yet.   
desc: an account of where seguchi tohma and nittle grasper possibly came from. after a seemingly short childhood, a young, shy, blond boy would find his destiny in a battered high school piano, and two very unusual new acquaintances...   
-- 

I'm not a nice person. 

I will do nice things, if it benefits myself. 

However, that doesn't make me a nice person. It makes me a selfish person, a selfish person who will never be anybody's most special treasure ever again. I'm not bitter. Sakuma-san is very happy with Tatsuha-san right now. Eiri-san is... well, he is whatever he is with Shindo-san. I don't know how to describe their relationship. Noriko-chan is happy with her husband and daughter. Really, they are all loved, they are all the most special people in the world to someone. 

Maybe, once, I was someone's treasure also. Perhaps I am a stepping stone, a test, but it's not permanent, I'm just a temporary test. You can't fail it. You just move on. 

I own too much. I control too many. 

I was always full of myself. That never changed much... 

I am rich... I will be rich for the rest of my life. It's the way things go. Do I need to tell you that "money does not buy happiness"? No; I didn't think so. 

Growing up, my family had no money. My mother was always gone. My father was gone forever. I stayed with their siblings. One day, when I was sixteen years old, I was with my aunt when she started to moan and then out came my cousin, Suguru. It was so horrifying to me that I threw up on him and left. The next day my uncle approached me. 

"Tohma," he said sternly. 

"Sir?" I whispered, trying to hide the squeaks in my voice. I'm not sure if I would ever get over puberty. My voice never changed much. 

"What you did last night was unacceptable." 

"I know," I muttered miserably. I clenched my fists. How could he expect me to be a man about THAT? I'd never seen anybody give birth before, and my school wasn't very good about teaching us that sort of lesson properly. "I'm sorry... I'll never, ever, do it ag-" 

"You won't have a chance to do it again!" He cut me off, shouting. I cringed back. "You're growing up bad. Your school is influencing you the wrong way. Look at you! You're blond, short, and talk like a little girl! If your mother saw you now, she'd murder me! Why don't you go out for the football team?" 

I imagined slipping all ninety pounds of myself into a football uniform and wondered, for a moment, how quickly all my bones would break after the first guy tackled me. I shook my head. "I don't weigh enough to play football, sir." 

"Eat more!" 

"I have a fast metabolism." 

"But you're tough!" He hit me in my bony shoulder, and I slammed into the wall. It hurt and I started to cry. Then Suguru started to cry in the next room. 

A week later, my keyboard, photos, schoolwork and clothing had all been packed into a tiny suitcase and I was on my way to the suburbs near Tokyo. They didn't let me take my piano. I cried again. Then, I arrived at my grandfather's. His huge, elegant, grand piano sparkled at me from the doorway. I was happy here. 

"Where should I put my stuff?" I asked, quickly adding: "Sir?" 

"Anywhere. Pick a room," he said, smiling. 

I stared, my eyes gone starry. It was the biggest house ever, and I could pick my own room? This was a revelation. I stalked around, exploring, and finally tossed my stuff into a bright blue room with a sunlight. I threw myself onto the bed and sighed happily. Amazing. 

I started school soon after. It was okay. I had a few basic, easy classes, no friends, and no girlfriend, hah, that's a laugh. Me, the dorky blond kid in glasses who was so small I had to wear the female school uniform's shirt? Hah. Haha. I spent the entire first week being hit by doors that magically opened in my face and caused my papers to explode all over. People would laugh as I crouched over to pick them all up, and nobody gave a fuck to help me, until one monday morning. I was tripped on my way out of English class, and the papers went flying once again. I quickly picked them up, only to slide forward as someone kicked me roughly in the ass. My glasses fell off my face and crumpled under a shoe. I weakly felt around for my belongings, my vision blurred horribly. In a flash, a hand had grabbed my arm, and I felt myself being pulled to my feet. The same hand dusted me off as more hands pushed my things into my arms. I heard voices. 

"Leave him alone, he's new!" 

"How would you like being bullied around if you were new na no da?!" 

"Well, if it isn't the geek brigade!" A higher pitched voice cried, and I heard a scuffle. It lasted all of three seconds. The bell rang, a teacher came out, and I was left standing in the middle of the hallway, unable to see anything, bullies or protectors. 

"Thank you!" I called out to no one in particular. A paper airplane hit me in the side of the head. 

--- 

That night, I sat playing the piano when my grandfather came over. He stood, listening to me for a while. 

"Are you in any music classes at your school, Tohma?" He asked kindly. "And...how are you playing without your glasses?" 

"I can play without looking at the keys," I said proudly, glad to be good at something. "They don't have anyplace in the band left for me." 

He looked troubled. "You know, why don't you ask the chorus teacher if you can play piano for the choir? I heard they've had trouble keeping people around. They keep losing singers because they need page turners and players. You're great - go for it!" 

So. I went for it. 

And I got the damn position as my high school's choir piano boy. It wouldn't be the last in a long line of things I would succeed in. 

This was only the introduction. 

--   
to be continued.   
-- 

follow the arrow and click, onegai shimasu.   
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	2. damn chorus piano

**here is grasper**   
**chapter two**   
--   
rating: PG-13   
pairings: ryuichi + tohma   
warnings: another grasper formation fic, hopefully with some new twists. OOC...? maybe? you decide. nobody knows what they were like in high school, though. nothing graphic or disturbing yet.   
desc: an account of where seguchi tohma and nittle grasper possibly came from. after a seemingly short childhood, a young, shy, blond boy would find his destiny in a battered high school piano, and two very unusual new acquaintances... 

notes: uhh.... well here's the next chapter. my writing style is really bad lately, so bear with me o_O. i hope you like it anyway. really no warnings yet .. :D   
-- 

I played that damn chorus piano for the rest of my high school career. It would define my future, my life, my very soul. 

I hate it, I hate that piano, and I hope they finally replaced it with something more modern, with an A flat that doesn't stick. I could laugh... 

And I really do wish that. 

It wasn't a bad class, really, it was a good class…. it would do good things for me, that class. The piano, no, the class, yes. I already knew how to play piano and I didn't need to worry about learning that. Yet… I didn't know anything about friends. 

The class was full of kids who sang. The sensei would give them music, on sheets. I would get the music too, to play, not sing. I'm not much of a singer, if I do say so myself. Sadly, most of these kids weren't good singers either. Some of them were downright terrible. The sensei didn't seem to care. She knew who had talent, and who didn't. It showed in the way she arranged the class. Good singers were put in the center, bad singers were in the back and to the side, where their voices could blend into the sounds of the good singers, who simply ruled all. This was a freshmen class. There were three sections: altos, sopranos, and the boys. I guess some boys were tenors, and some were baritones, but they were one big muddled mess. 

The piano was to the side, near the boys. When they did warm up voice exercises, I would watch the class. I decided there were three good boy singers out of ten, and six good girl singers out of fifteen. You could tell by the way they opened their mouths. 

I think I creeped everyone out. I was a little blond creepy boy wearing half the girl's uniform and half the boy's, and always staring at everyone, curious. I never spoke except to say "Hai," when sensei asked me to play. They thought I was very good, yes. None of them wanted anything to do with me. I don't even think they knew I was a boy. 

Which is what I used to blame for the following events. 

It's obvious where this is going. One of the boys out of the three I chose to be remarkable was QUITE remarkable. He sang clear, loud, full. It was the voice of a god-to-be, and I watched the lanky, awkward Sakuma Ryuichi with not awe, but respect. I respected people with musical talent. I still do, of course, but it's harder when I myself am now at a level above everyone else in the word. When I was the chorus piano boy? I respected musical talent of all sorts. 

I watched the class, and Sakuma Ryuichi watched me. If he ever caught me looking at him, he would smile hopefully, as though maybe I was singling him out as someone I was interested in, social life-wise. He had more of a social life than myself. He left class everyday with a skinny girl who always had highlights in her hair. She was one of the okay girl singers. I guess it was more important that she was Ryuichi's best friend. This was Ukai Noriko. 

Sometimes, the two of them would be huddled together before class. I would catch them looking at me. Noriko would burst into giggles and Ryuichi just looked embarrassed. I was used to being mocked. This was nothing new for me. Not at all. People pointed and laughed at me all the time. Did I care? No. I didn't cry or hide in guidance. I just accepted it. I got good grades. I was talented. Who needed them? 

I did want a friend, though. Maybe just one. 

He stared at me all the time. Was I that odd looking? I figured this must be the case. I just didn't know...Nobody else had ever looked at me in the way that he actually was. I didn't know until the end of that year. 

The girl, Ukai-san, came up to me after class. Ryuichi had been absent. 

"Hai?" I said, expecting her to pelt me with an eraser. 

"Seguchi-san? My name's Ukai Noriko," she smiled cheerfully, holding out her hand in greeting. I stared for a moment, then offered my hand in return. We shook. 

"What's wrong?" I asked, assuming I had done something terrible. 

"Nothing's REALLY wrong," she said, swaying back and forth. "You play very good. I play piano too…. I'm better than you, but you'll improve, huh? I need to sing and all. I was glad to see you in the start of the year. Now I can sing. Sensei ALWAYS made me play before." 

Was that supposed to be a compliment? 

"My friend's sick today," she stated. "It's almost the end of the year. It's been a long, long year." 

"Sakuma-san?" I inquired casually. She did a double take. 

"You know his name!" 

"I do, I think he is a good singer," I said quietly, getting annoyed. Did she think I was stupid and didn't hear when sensei took roll? I knew almost everyone's name. I was just insulted. Insulted, yet secretly pleased to be having a conversation, as terrible as it was. 

"Wow, he thought you didn't know he existed…" she said, mostly to herself, as she ran her fingers through her hair. "Wow, that's just wow. He'll be happy. Hey look, he's sick today because he was crying and it made him sick. He was crying a lot last night." 

"Sakuma-san was?" I asked, surprised. Why did I care? Yeah, he was a good singer, but… 

She sighed loudly. "He's wanted so badly all year to talk to you, but he could never get up his courage. He tried every single day. Now the school year is ending, and you're going to leave. He feels sick because he tried so hard and never talked to you." 

Excuse me? 

He was sick because he never spoke to me? 

That wasn't possible… 

"Leave?" I asked, acting like that was the most surprising thing she'd said. "I'm not leaving." 

"You aren't an exchange student?!" she cried, throwing her hand over her heart. I sighed. 

"No, I'm Japanese." 

"Wow, your hair's blond, that's REALLY cool, and super rare. What are you, albino? Is that why you're pale?" 

Huh? "Maybe." 

"Suggooiii…." We were running out of time. "He'll be so happy! Seguchi-san, the basic point is, he likes you so much. Jeez, don't tell him I told you. God, he'll kill me. Actually I was only kidding. Argh!" 

…..likes me? 

"Anyway I gotta go. Ja na, Seguchi-san, I'm so glad you're staying! Please keep playing piano for us!!!" She waved as she turned around, wiggling her fingers in my general direction and running. 

--- 

It was the most surprising encounter of my young life. 

I won't go on in length about it. It would not only be too hard to describe the way I want to, but it would end up being rather dull and uninteresting. My feelings about this encounter, I mean. To make a long story and twelve hours of wondering and suffering short, I couldn't make up my mind: Was she mocking me, or was Sakuma Ryuichi actually sick because he thought I was leaving? 

It was Friday, the next day. I had thought, and thought, and decided to gather my courage. Ryuichi was there, in his spot, which had recently been moved near enough to my piano for an annoyingly loud conversation to be held. Class hadn't started, and not everybody was there yet. He was downcast looking, avoiding my eyes at all costs and staring at his sneaker clad feet that were half covered by baggy pants two sizes too large. I coughed. I swallowed. I choked on my fear, then: 

"Hey, Sakuma-san." 

He looked up, slowly, his eyes wide with the innocence of a child. He could have been seven. Was this kid really in high school? He turned to look at Noriko, who smiled, then averted his gaze back to me. 

"H-Hai no /da/!" he cried, the last note being spoken. His manner of using nonsensical words and speech was amusing in the way that made him appear ignorant to me. Even then, I was egotistical. The boy with no friends, no social life, and blond hair. I spoke slowly to this elementary school student who babbled in a child's language. 

"What's up?" I inquired casually, pointlessly. 

"Nothing really!" he smiled, eyes returning to their normal size. "N-Noriko-chan says she talked to you … you really aren't an exchange student, no da? I told her you were Japanese, but she never listens, n-noda." A faint blush was spreading on his cheeks. 

"Oh, really? Yes… I am Japanese. I don't really have any friends." Yeah, those two sentences had tons to do with each other. My first impression of the boy was fading quickly and being replaced with that old respect, almost admiration. He knew I was Japanese. That was kinda a first. 

"Noriko is my best friend!" he squeaked. "We'll be your friends! We tried to help you when they broke your glasses, but I don't think you remembered, no da!" 

Of course. My heroes. The 'voices' that had saved me that day. The 'geek brigade'. The 'geek brigade' wanted to be my friends. My sense of internal pride and terrible loneliness clashed in a horrid battle inside my body, and the war clogged up my throat. 

"Urrhh." I said brilliantly. Ryuichi's eyes faded. 

"Do you want to be our friend? Kumagoro wants to be your friend too, no da!" 

He pulled out the bunny that would be revoked and reviled for the rest of his school career, and later worshipped as the symbol of an eccentric genius. I groaned. My loneliness was even wondering which side it was on now. The battle turned. 

"Okay I guess." 

What? No! Nononono, that was wrong, wrong, wrong, why did I say- 

"SUGGOOOIIII na! We can be a trio of best friends, forever and ever and ever and ever and-" 

"Sakuma! Quiet down back there." 

"No daaaaaa!" 

I wanted to lay my head on my piano and slam the wooden key cover down on my skull, smashing it and ending my life in one single, crushing blow. Whatever tiny part of me was rejoicing for my new friends, the rest of me was groaning in pain a hundred times louder. At least by myself I was just the weird kid. 

Now I was a geek. 

And thanks to Sakuma Ryuichi and Ukai Noriko, it would not end with geek, nor would my life ever be as small and worthless as it had been before. 

--   
to be continued.   
-- 

follow the arrow and click, onegai shimasu.   
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	3. oyasumi, ryuchan

**here is grasper**   
**introduction**   
--   
rating: PG-13   
pairings: none yet   
warnings: another grasper formation fic, hopefully with some new twists. OOC...? maybe? you decide. nobody knows what they were like in high school, though. nothing graphic or disturbing yet.   
desc: an account of where seguchi tohma and nittle grasper possibly came from. after a seemingly short childhood, a young, shy, blond boy would find his destiny in a battered high school piano, and two very unusual new acquaintances...   
-- 

Yes. I agreed to be friends. 

I however did not agree to or expect what would happen on the first thing Sakuma-san would invite me too. 

Never, though, would I regret the choices I made that night. 

The next week I was at my locker, gladly emptying the heavier books from my backpack. The vacation for the summer was rapidly approaching, and I was glad. Time to sit in solitude, read, and play piano! 

Wrong. 

He approached me then, cheeks tinted red with his shyness, bunny tucked behind his back, feet shuffling and head bowed. I didn't notice him at first. I shut my locker, turned, and there he was, literally a foot from me and severely violating my personal space. I frowned. 

"Hello Sakuma-san." 

He winced at my harsh tone and looked as though he might just run away. I would have wished! He opened his mouth to speak, closed it, and then mumbled something I didn't understand. 

"What?" I pressed, growing angry. 

"I uh…do you want to…." 

"Yes? Yes?" 

"Um, do you want to…um…me and Nori-chan were wondering if you would want to join our band na no da!" he spurted out. It was definatly not what he had said in the first place. 

"No," I stuttered in anger. "What did you mumble before?" 

Christ, there were tears in his eyes. I wasn't trying to make him cry. Suddenly ashamed, I set my bag down, reaching out to touch his shoulder gently. 

"I'm sorry," I said quietly. "I meant to say I'll think about it. Sound good?" 

He looked up, sniffled, and wiped his eyes off while looking away. After a moment he turned back. 

"Ha-hai…um…S-Seguchi-san…no da..." He gulped loudly, trembling with effort. "I uh…wanted to ask … s-since we're…f-friends now… na...no…ka?" 

"Yes, we're friends," I smiled reassuringly, still mentally beating myself for making the poor kid cry. 

"Did you want to…well…t-tonight…if you have t-time and finish your homework and eat dinner and absolutely absolutely positively defiantly most absolutely have nothing else planned, h-how about we go to…a…m-m-movie...no da." 

It wasn't a question, it was a statement, and with good reason. He kind of structured the request to say "look, if you don't say yes you obviously hate me, so just say yes." What could I do? I noticed his cheeks paling again, and he gulped once more, yet the trembling seemed to subside slightly. Sakuma Ryuichi. I would never forget his reaction to my response. 

"Nn." 

More of a mumble and a smile than a response, but he was satisfied. 

"WAAAAIIIII! OH, REALLY TOHMA-SAN! REALLY?!" 

He jumped on me, causing us both to fall to the floor and my books to scatter all over. He didn't seem to notice as he hugged me fiercly, still screaming "WAAAI! WAAAI! WAAAII!" into my ear. I would have been furious had it not been Ryuichi. He was too sweet and adorable to really be angry at. 

Then suddenly there was a warm feeling on my cheek, and he had given me a quick kiss there, before darkening deep red and climbing off me. He scrambled around, picking up my books and handing them to me. I was still a bit stunned by the entire ordeal. He was horribly embaressed. Beet-colored, he gave me another, polite hug, before running off, yelling something about meeting him at seven. 

It was something neither of us noticed at the time. He ran right past Noriko, who had been heading over to talk with him. 

Unable to speak or think clearly, I headed into my next class, wondering: was that a date, or what? 

-- 

That night, we met up at the movies. 

"Hi," he said nervously, twisting his hands together. I could see he was dressed casually - t-shirt, jeans, sneakers - but his hair had been carefully brushed, almost styled. 

/He seems way too nervous for this to be just a friendly thing... but how could it be a date? Wouldn't he have said? Besides, I'm not gay, so he's about to be sorely dissapointed if he thinks this is a date.../ As these things ran through my head, I managed to utter a "Hi," back. I realized how much I sounded like a nervous little girl standing next to the football quaterback of her pussified little dreams. Well, how couldn't I? Nobody, not friends, not dates, nobody had invited me to a movie before. The shock was numbing my senses, even at that point. 

We bought tickets to see something. I honestly don't remember buying them, or walking in, or sitting down. The previews began. I was nervous and hungry, too scared to open my mouth and ask if we should get popcorn. 

"I want to see that movie, no da," he stated at some point, talking about some preview. I nodded. 

"It seems like a good storyline," came from my mouth. Was this what they called 'casual conversation'? I wasn't good at it, I suppose. 

God. The movie actually looked horrible. Something about a cowboy and- 

what was that? 

Shit. 

His hand was touching mine. 

His hand was on mine. 

My brain was shooting off suicidal signals. I was going to die, I didn't know how to react, I didn't know what it meant, I didn't know anything, I was going to die, the world was ending, and the fact that I was a young boy in high school who was DFINATLY DEFINATLY not gay sitting in a movie theatre with a gay boy who was HOLDING MY HAND and who had kissed me earlier and I was NOT GAY and this was WRONG and I didn't know what to do the earth was collapsing and my very soul was trembling with confusion. 

This was the biggest thing in my life thus far, which is sad... very, very sad for myself. 

I screamed at my brain to stop racing, and it halted on the last option I figured it would. I relaxed, turning my hand over so we were palm to palm. I clasped my fingers around his hand as he was doing to me. 

That was it. Now it was official. He had complete control from this point on. I'd given in to his bait and he won. I felt him start to shake, and he looked at me with wide, unbelieving eyes. I had held his hand in return? Why? Why had I done that? It didn't matter. It meant I might follow more of his leads. God, I would, wouldn't I. 

"T...Tohma..." he mumbled quietly, squeezing my hand tigher. I stared at the floor, letting my hair fall over my eyes. To this day I allow almost nobody to see me blushing. 

"H-hai...?" I mumbled in return, still not looking up. Suddenly there was warmth on my cheek again. His other hand, cupping my face. I went stiff once more. 

"Can I kiss you?" came the whispered question. 

Kiss me. 

Oddly enough, I didn't go into panic mode. He'd already done it once before, so, it wasn't a big deal right? I mean this was some shy, timid kid, right? Probably his first kiss. He didn't know what he was talking about, and there was no way in hell he'd try to slip me tongue, not so soon, not so early. I'd held his hand, now a kiss? I felt safe, secure. It wouldn't be bad. 

I didn't answer. I just looked up, blinking at him. He looked calm too. No more shaking or stuttering. He was calm, collected. So was I. Whatever, right? Just wing it, right? No big deal at all. 

Jerky, a bit off target, he leaned over, pressing his soft, warm lips partially on my own, partially on my cheek. He really wasn't so good at it, was he? Quickly he moved over a bit, and our lips touched briefly before I pulled away, thinking he was done when he moved. He started, seeming to melt in his seat from dissapointment. I'd pulled away. I'd rejected him. I thought he was gross, ugly, horrible, disgusting, I'd never, ever, ever enjoy kissing such a vial creature such as Sakuma Ryuichi... 

The thought ran though my mind, and I felt as though I was reading his. Our hands parted as he slid his own into his lap. Tears glistened in the corner of his eyes. Shit. His first kiss, and I'd pulled away. Motherfuckingshit. No. NO. Stop crying. 

I reached over, grabbing his face more harshly than I had intended and pulling him back to me, shoving our lips together again almost violently. He tensed as if to fight, then melted into it, and to be honest, so did I. We melted into eachother, and it was wonderful. I was shaking slightly, and I moved my hands down from his cheeks to grip his shoulders. He whimpered against my mouth, just a bit, probably still in shock. I knew how it was now. That he'd probably had a crush on me from the start, and had be longing for this. I suppose me kissing him was one of the last things he ever dreamed he could hope for and not be a fool. 

I felt his hands slip around my waist, and the touch thrilled me. There was a tingling sensation in my spine, and my nerve endings were sparking. I felt all my muscles tense as he pressed his tongue against me. 

Okay, fine. So I didn't mind the fact that this was a public movie theatre. We were quiet. I didn't really mind the thought of having another person's saliva in my mouth for the next million years or whatever it is. That was okay. I wasn't even surprised as how bold he was being. I was following all his leads and it was my own fault. 

But I had no idea how to do this. 

He pressed harder and I parted my lips, letting him inside. Our tongues brushed together, just slightly at first. For a reason I don't know, we both began growing frantic, opening our mouths wider against each other and pushing harder with our tongues. I found myself trying to suck out his tonsils, and wishing I would succeed. Longing to taste more, I think I moaned a little, and he was making sounds, and overall it was a very slurpy, rustling process. Somebody turned around. 

"Get a room, assholes." 

Reluctantly we pulled away, slowly, glowing red and glowing in general from our first make out session ever. We looked at the man, frightened of getting in trouble – what losers – and refusing to look at each other, we stood. I grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the back corner of the balcony where we were sitting, away from the people. Now the closest person was nearly eight rows away. I think they were asleep. 

I sat down, pressing him into the seat next to me and eyeing him from the corner of my vision. 

"You're a good kisser," I mumbled shyly. 

"S-so are you, na no da," he replied, just as shyly. After a moment of awkward silence, he looked up, whispering. "Have you ever had a hickey?" 

A what? 

Well, I didn't know what it was, so obviously I'd never had one. "No," I whispered back, confused. 

"Do you want to try?" he asked, sounding bold. This I was not unprepared for, especially not after all the rest, but I still tensed up, pressing my legs together. How was I supposed to know a "hickey" was not a public blowjob or something? Okay… I could deal with the kissing, go home, and fight a war with myself in my head over my own sexuality, but there was no way we were doing anything sexual, not here in the theatre, not back at his place, not ever, especially not after only a week of really knowing each other. No way. I decided to answer yes and if he dove between my legs, I would scream like a girl and run away with my arms flailing. Yes. This is what the product of my critical thinking process turned out to be. 

"Hai," I stuttered, preparing to do battle. He blushed again, grinning in an adorable way. 

"Honto ni?" he said, awed, and I nodded, still on guard. With this second confirmation, he reached out, and grabbed my shoulders. Well, I was just damn curious by now. Nervously he leaned closer…I was waiting to feel his warmth on my lips again…but then it was on my neck, and I let out a little, tiny cry of surprise. He paused for a moment, unsure of what this reaction meant, then decided I would have shoved him away if I'd changed my mind. After all, I did say yes twice in a row. I leaned back, suddenly relaxed as his tongue came out again, licking at my skin and savoring it. I felt inclined to giggle as his hairs tickled the underside of my chin, but I refrained. I was not a girl! 

He nibbled slightly, taking a small bit of my skin between his teeth, then sucking, still stroking me with his tongue. My eyes fluttered shut as the tingling in my spine came back full force and then some. My breathing sped up. By the time he had been to various places on my throat, my chest was heaving, and I was letting out soft little sighs. He agreed with this reaction, trailing his tongue up past my chin and then he was licking at my lips, and, regaining myself, I licked back, pushing myself into his mouth and placing a hand on the back of his neck to pull him closer yet. Eventually I was at his neck as he had been at mine, sucking gently at first, then growing harsher, nipping and teasing him whenever I hit a spot that made him shiver. 

We stopped a few times to catch our breath, and one time when we stopped, we realized that we'd gotten so caught up in how wonderful this new found activity could be for extended periods of time that the credits were rolling and everyone was gone. Disappointed, yet weary, we stood, hands and fingers locked tightly together as we exited the building. It was late, and dark, but we both lived close enough to the building…in opposite directions. 

"Do you want me to walk you home, no da?" he asked quietly, sounding as tired as we both were. We were still sweaty and our skin felt caked from all the sloppy kissing. I shook my head. 

"No, you'd have to walk double that to get home, and you'd be alone." 

"I don't mind! I don't mind Tohma… I want to spend more time with you and see your house, and…" 

"Sakuma-san! We have school tomorrow! You'd be up until midnight, I can't take that kind of responsibility! You can see me tomorrow and come over sometime to study, how's that sound?" 

Well apparently, it sounded horrible. His face fell and his shoulders drooped, as though the combination of my still-formal tone, scolding, and invitation to my house only for a study session was heartbreaking. 

.....well, oops. 

What could I do? I bit my lip as the tears welled up in his eyes. God, this kid cried a lot. It was when he got upset like this that he really did look like a seven year old. I noticed for the first time that his rabbit had been left home. I felt guilty. I would always feel guilty. 

"Sa...ku...Ryuichi-kun, don't cry, please? Do you want to come over tomorrow and meet my grandfather? He'll be glad I've made such nice friends." 

Instantly, like I'd flipped the magical Ryuichi-switch, he perked up, nodding and wiping off his eyes. "H-hai no da…. Do you really want me to come, no da?" 

I nodded, pulling him into a quick hug to say goodbye. He gripped tight, not letting go for a few minutes. I felt like a lifeline that he was clinging to, as if letting go meant certain death and devastation. After a minute or two he pulled back slightly to peer up into my eyes. 

"I…want…to kiss you again like that sometime, Tohma…" he stated firmly, and he didn't blush or gulp. I didn't really know what to say. It wasn't a question, nor did it require any sort of answer. Not like I had time to give any. He pecked me on the lips, just a quick, sudden kiss, then turned on his heel and ran in the opposite direction, arm flailing above him in a wave. 

"Bye bye na no da Tooohma!" he cried without turning around. I stood for a minute, watching him happily half run, half dance down the sidewalk, until he turned a corner and was no more. 

I put a finger to my lips. 

"Oyasumi, Ryu-chan," was my soft, unheard farewell. 

--   
to be continued.   
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follow the arrow and click, onegai shimasu.   
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	4. ruining my reputation

**koko wa grasper**   
**part 4: ruining my reputation**   
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I laid away in bed all night, touching my fingers to my lips and wondering if any of that had really happened. It'd been fast, sudden, and over in an instant. I always imagined myself kissing somebody, but it was always a girl from the movies, or somebody that I'd known for a long time. I knew Ryuichi all year long, but I didn't actually speak with him until less than a week beforehand. We'd held hands, kissed, made out, and "hickied", all in PUBLIC no doubt, for our first time ever, with each other… two boys, one of them certain he was straight, who were barely acquainted. Was it right? Was it moral? Was I gay? 

I knew I wasn't gay, though, no matter how many times I asked. However… I'd loved it. How embarrassing, but I'd loved it, and I wanted more, and when we parted I wanted to drag him home with me and kiss him all night. No, that does not mean sex. I planned on never having sex with a guy. That was the one reason I had to defend my heterosexuality – I would never have sex with a guy. How did it work, anyway? I couldn't fathoms. I also couldn't fathom how it worked with girls, although that baffled me even worse as I didn't even understand what they had down there. 

I was up all night thinking about this and wondering if he'd kiss me again sometime. Oh, I'd keep my cool. He'd have to fight to get me. I would never give anybody else the power of knowing that I wanted something and, if denied, would probably be reduced to a quivering mass of tears and pleading. I had to remain calm, frowning, and stuck up. Here I was, a kid without parents or a real home or real friends, and I was worried about my image. Sad. I wish I'd realized then that I HAD no image. 

The next day in school I was paranoid. Somewhere in the back of my head I wondered if anybody had seen us at the movies and was going to spread that I had acted gay with the biggest loser in school and my reputation would be shattered. 

Haha. I thought I had a reputation. That's the funny part. 

I didn't see Noriko or Ryuichi all day. Come to think of it, I never saw Noriko outside of chorus class, which was the last class of the day. Neither of them was in my homeroom, so I didn't eat lunch with them or see them otherwise. Sometimes I caught glimpses of Ryuichi. Today I was hoping that I didn't see either of them. I was too embaressed thinking about Ryuichi, and Noriko had probably been told, so that was embaressing too. 

My paranoia was soon confirmed. People were pointing at me and laughing all day, or giggling. First period my teacher gave me a funny look and said, "Well, Seguchi-san." Second we had to get into groups and everybody wanted to be in mine. 

"Who was it, Tohma-san?!" Some of the girls asked breathlessly. I gawked. 

"N-no one." 

"It had to be someone." 

"I'm telling you I don't know what you are talking about." 

The teacher then came over to tell us to quiet down, but not before staring at me oddly first. 

It wasn't until the end of seventh period that the last straw was thrown in my face. I noticed Noriko in the halls as she headed to chorus. She looked at me funny, then smirked, but it wasn't really a good smirk. "Wear a sweater next time, nobody needs to see that," she laughed, before running off. I choked, angry as hell. WHAT was wrong with me? It was my neck - wasn't it? I clenched my fists and stormed into the - thankfully - empty bathroom. 

I stared into the mirror. 

Red marks, bruises, littered my neck. They looked like strange, ugly birthmarks, or purpleyred blotches of paint. My mind raced. Where did they come from? What had caused it? 

Of course. 

My memory jolted back to the image of Ryuichi kissing, licking, and sucking at my neck. That had to be it. That's what a hickie was. These things were hickies. I let out a terrified sob, and crawled into one of the stalls, locking it and backing up until I tripped and nearly fell into the toilet. Instead I sat there, shaking. Kissing Ryuichi had been nice, but I had no idea I would end up bruised! What would my grandfather say when he saw my damaged throat? I'd have to lie and say it was a girl. Could girls even do that? 

God damn that little bastard. He should have warned me he was about to mark my neck instead of hiding it with fancy words like "hickie". Fuck him. I started to cry, burying my face in my hands. The anger and shame was too much. I was going to punch that tiny little idiot. He hid his malice with cuteness, well, I could see through it now. No more being fooled by that evil Sakuma Ryuichi! 

I decided to hide there, sitting with my knees to my chest. I didn't move. No way in hell was anybody else going to see my ugly welts. 

I waited in near silence for the whole period, frowning and tensing up when someone came in. There would be the sound of a zipper, then the sound of water, then another zip. Only once did someone wash their hands. I wrinkled my nose in disgust. At some point a kid was smoking. I nearly gave myself away gagging. It filled the entire room! 

Then the bell rang. 

I was NOT staying in here all night. 

I ventured out after skipping the first class I'd ever skipped in my life, and snuck to my locker. I didn't want to see anybody, I didn't want anybody to see me, I just wanted to go home, curl up and die. I stood with my shoulders hunched over and head bowed, hoping nobody could see my mutilated neck. There was a feather light touch on my shoulder and I jumped, yelping and spinning around. Ryuichi looked back at me. I noticed his neck was also covered in marks. 

Wow. Did I do that? 

"You weren't at the piano na no da," he mumbled quietly, frowning sadly. "Are you sick na no ka?" 

"Yeah," I mumbled back, blushing and continuing to try and hide my marks. "I was really sick." 

"Well now you can go home and get better," he said, a bit more happily. I nodded, thinking it would all just get worse there. Damn it – I'd been so mad. Where did my will to punch him go? Wherever it went, he looked too small and harmless and scared to be hit for putting these marks on my neck, whether I liked it or not. Actually, I had liked it, so I don't know where I was getting all this hatred from. I'd liked getting the marks. Hell, I'd liked giving them too. He looked so adorable that I gave him a hug. 

"Yeah – I'll get better." 

He squeaked, hugging me back fiercely as though I'd offered to marry him. "H-hai! You'll be better! Anou…Tohma?" 

I pulled back a bit to look at him. "Uhn." 

"Oh…I wanted to ask something…" he blushed, and began wringing his hands together. I smiled. 

"Another movie?" 

"Ah…iie, iie…" 

Okay, that was disappointing. I would have gladly said yes to another movie… and more kissing. 

"What, then?" 

"Ne, ne…. T-Tohma… do you… do you…." He gulped. "Wannabemyboyfriend?" 

"What?" I said automatically. 

"Um…um…my boyfriend," Ryuichi repeated quietly. 

Oh. 

Well fuck. All my reasons for being heterosexual suddenly flew out the window. The gay side of me was dancing. A boyfriend! A significant other! Somebody wanted me, me, the blond freak! Me, of all people! 

But, said reason, this will ruin your reputation. 

Who cares?! the rest of me cried. A real, honest to goodness boyfriend! 

I think my grin as I battled myself in my head was apparent. He grinned back. 

"Tohma?" 

I forced the wide, childish, goofy expression off my face and offered a small smile. "Sure, I guess that sounds good." 

"WAAAIII! Oh Tohma, I'll be the best boyfriend ever, I promise na no da, promise promise!" He pounced, clinging around my middle and burying his head in my chest. I swear he was going to either cry or explode, so I put my hands on his shoulders and gently pulled him away. He reached up to wipe off his eyes as I chuckled. 

"Ne, Ryu-chan, we can have lots of fun together." Whoops. That one slipped right out. 

"R-Ryu-chan?" he squealed, looking up. "I I I…want me to walk you home, Tohma?" 

"Okay," I replied, grinning. 

''Waai!' 

He said 'waaii' a lot. It was quite adorable. He let me sling my bag over my shoulder, then clung to my arm, which made it somewhat difficult to walk, yet I managed. 

We'd gotten halfway to my house when I suddenly felt as though I had a confession to make. 

"Ryu-chan," I said slowly, the cute little pet name still foreign to me. "I have to tell you something." 

"Ne, Tohma?" 

"Well," I said, laughing nervously, "I don't exactly think I'm quite…gay." 

"Oro?" He blinked, letting go of my arm and tilting his head to look at me in a puzzled way. "You aren't gay? Why not, am I annoying you? I'm gay!" 

What a strange answer. I opened my mouth to respond but tumbled into silence when he started bouncing up and down. "Gay gay, gay gay and merry!" He spun in a little circle. "Come on Tohma, if you hop up and down, maybe then you will be gay!" 

"I think you misunderstood me," I said, chuckling quietly. "I don't mean happy, I mean homosexual." 

"Oh!" He stopped hopping. "You aren't? Tohma, I don't mind, I think that's really cool! I once knew one, he was sooo nice and creepy and he tried to steal my money but I ran away and I didn't have any money anyway I was only five na no da!" 

"Excuse me?!" I sputtered. "Ryuichi, you're so confusing – what are you talking about?" 

"The hobo I met!" 

What the hell? "Hobo?" I gawked. "Ryu-chan, I said HOMO-SEXUAL." I rolled my eyes as if I was talking to the stupidest creature on earth. Inwardly, his childish innocence was working its way into my heart already. 

"I don't know what that is na no da," Ryuichi sighed, clinging to my arm again. "Does it mean you don't want to be my boyfriend na no da?" 

"No… no, that's not what it means," I breathed, smiling and giving him a little hug. "It means I'm going to try very hard to be good at it." 

"Waaaiii! Oh, that's a good answer! Now I want to see your house Tohma!" He bounded ahead of me. "Which one is it? I know this is your street na no da! Nori-chan said I should go visit you one day, and I looked at your address and remembered this street because when I was a baby this is the street I lived on so I remembered even though it was sooooo many months ago!" He took a breath. "I was a good smart baby, that's why I remember! I forget which house it was but maybe it was even the same one!!! Which one is it Tohma which one?" 

"Here," I pointed, turning into my walkway. "It's my grandfather's house though... I move a lot." 

"Sugooooii!" He cooed, staring at the tiny domicile. "It's so small and kkaaawaaaiiiiiii nanoda!" Giggling gleefully, he skipped ahead, hopping from foot to foot as I opened the door. Once inside, I took my shoes off, setting them neatly down and turning them around so I could easily step into them upon exiting again. As I was putting on the slippers my grandfather leaves out for walking in the house, I was horrified to hear stomping on the tatami and looked up to see Ryuichi bouncing up and down, waiting for me above the stoop, IN HIS SNEAKERS. I think I gasped. Where was this kid from, America or something!? You just don't walk on tatami wearing shoes - and people said /I/ was the foreign exchange student! 

"Ryuichi," I mumbled quietly, "could you take off your shoes, please?" 

"Na? OH! OH THIS IS A JAPANESE TATAMI HOUSE! I FORGOT!" He hopped back down, kicking his shoes off and grinning. "My mama lived in America for soooo long that she came back and got a biiiigggg America house, and we don't need to take off our shoes and sometimes I forget..." 

I nodded, not caring about the excuse, annoyed, once again. I put his shoes neatly next to my own, grumbling and heading for the kitchen. He grabbed my arm, hugging it tightly. 

"Ne, I'm sorry Tohma...I'm kind of stupid sometimes." 

He sounded utterly dejected, and I sighed, my hard heart going soft again. I patted his head, offering a little smile. 

"It's okay, Ryu-chan." Wince. It still sounded funny. "You hungry?" 

Vigorously, Ryuichi nodded, twitching with anticipation and happiness as I handed him an apple from the fridge. With a crunch he bit into it. I had started chewing my own when there was another loud crunch, then a sudden, high pitched cry of pain. I turned, startled. 

"Ryuichi?!" 

"OWWW!" he whimpered, the apple on the floor and his hands clutching his mouth. "I bit down on my loose tooth na no da." A drop of blood leaked between his fingers, and he suddenly started to cry, loudly. I rushed over, quietly shushing him and putting my arms around him. He wailed into my chest, curling up and sniffling and gasping. I was afraid he'd choke on the blood, so I gently smoothed back his hair and took him by the shoulders. 

"Ryu-chan, it's okay. Let me get you a washcloth." He nodded slowly, big tears still plopping down his cheeks. I picked up the apple, amused to see a tooth sticking out. I wondered briefly who still had loose teeth in high school, then looked up at Ryuichi, the seven year old with a snotty nose who looked like he should be clutching a blankie and a stuffed animal. 

Oh yeah. He did. 

I got a damp cloth, pressing it to his hurt mouth to soak up the blood. I expected him to take it from me, but instead, his hands fell to his side and he leaned against my shoulder, sniffling into my neck. Normally I would have been annoyed by having to take care of someone like this, but I smiled, dabbing and getting red all over the probably now ruined washcloth. 

"I'm s-s-sorry I…I'm so…s-stupid na no…d-da…" he whimpered quietly, wrapping his arms around my waist. "I d-don't have many f..fri…ends because I… I'm loud and …annoying and stupid and… a baby na no da, and me and Kumagoro …always get laughed…at… Nori-chan …a-always s-s-sticks up for me but she's o-only in school last class…" 

Huh? 

"What do you mean, only in school last class?" I asked quietly, smoothing back his hair still. He sniffled. 

"N-Nori-chan is my best-est neighbor and friend ever ever, but she's t-three years smaller than me. S-She's so smart, she skipped a whole level and she comes to the high school f-for the advanced singing c-class. But then he made her play piano instead and s-she was so angry! She says you're so good at piano. I think so too, na no da." He looked up, his eyes still red and watery, but there was a big smile on his face. 

"Tohma!" 

Ryuichi and I jumped. My little old grandfather was smirking at us from the entrance to the kitchen. 

"You didn't say you were having visitors, Tohma! Who's your friend?" 

"Who me?!" Ryuichi yelped, smiling. "Hi! I'm Tohma's new boyMMPPHHHFFF!!!" 

I clapped my hand over Ryuichi's mouth, my face going beet red. "He's my new friend from school, grandfather. I finally made one. Anyway, he's going now!" 

"Uh-oh," my grandfather mumbled, looking at the bloody mess all around us. I laughed sheepishly. 

"Loose tooth." 

My grandfather took an apple and left, waving. I let Ryuichi go and he gasped for air. 

"TOHMA!!! That was MEAN na no da! Why did you do that to me na no da!" He puffed up his cheeks, trying to look angry. It was adorably unitimidating. I reached out, scritching behind his ear and making him purr. 

"My grandfather might not like me having a boyfriend. So let's just keep it a secret from him." 

Ryuichi didn't like this, but he shrugged and took a deep breath. I began dragging him towards the door. 

Suddenly he shouted, "If you promise to join my band na no da!!" 

I blinked, looking at him. Oh yeah. The band. 

"Maybe." 

Maybe. I said maybe. Sadly, I doubt waiting for the answer I eventually gave will bring anybody readng this much suspense. 


End file.
